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I Am So Much Better Than Him
6:18 pm :: July 19, 2005

Hey, yeah we had everything,
Vinyl in mono,
And we looked the other way.
Man, we were so dumb!
Is this the part in the book that you wrote
Where I gotta come and save the day?
Did you miss me?
Did you miss me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Well, they say that rock is dead,
And they're probably right.
99 girls in the pit,
Did it have to come to this?

Oh, God, you owe me one more song,
So I can prove to you that
I'm so much better than him!
Oh, God, please listen fast,
Here comes the crash.
We're gonna rise above,
We gotta smash it up.
You won't abandon us again.

Give us brilliant boys we wanna fuck, man.
Full of ecstasy, hard drugs, and bad luck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Turn the lights back on.
You burn so hard,
But you won't burn long.

Three chords in your pocket tonight.
Are you, you the one
With the spark to bring my punk rock back alive?
(I don't think so.)

Oh, God, I wanna hear you say,
I wanna hear you say, that you're sorry again.
Oh, God, you owe me one more song,
So I can prove to you
That I'm so much better than him.
Oh, God, I'd give you anything
To hear you say that I was right
And you were wrong.
Oh, God, before I leave this life:
No, an eightball isn't love,
Hooker's never gonna cum,
Just give it back to me.
Blow out all of the lights tonight.

Oh yeah.
Drive a million miles down the PCH
And now he's gone.
I slashed his tires, I bled his brakes,
It had to be done.
Their hand-job lives were just too cruel,
(But) mercy was done.
We drowned them all in their swimming pools.
Run away, run away, run away, yeah.

Oh, God, I wanna hear you say,
I wanna hear you say, that you were wrong again.
Oh, God, I wanna hear you say,
I wanna hear you say that
That I'm so much better than him.
Oh, God, you owe us one more song.
Get out of my life.
See this world as it really is.
Is it just a sad slide show?
Can't make a hooker cum,
An eightball isn't love.
I need one thing that's divine,
Let me hear it tonight,
Let me hear it tonight.
I've gotta hear it tonight.
You're gonna let me hear the lost chord tonight,
Yeah.

So...
4:01 am :: July 18, 2005

I hate myself and want to die.

About Me
2:42 am :: July 11, 2005

Hi, my name's Lori. I'm a 16-year-old female with an attitude problem and an inferiority complex towards men. I live in the middle of a cornfield named Indiana, and I go to a school full of smart kids with big wallets.
I never did fit in.
When I was little, I lived at home with my mom and my dad and my sister. We were the perfect family. We all got along and everyone liked each other. Well, that's what people thought. In reality, we were nothing like that. My sister was busy with school. My mom was busy with me. My dad was busy with anything but us, and I was busy getting in trouble.
To understand who I am today, you have to understand my sister. My sister is perfect. Blonde hair, green-blue eyes. Skinny and pretty. She was involved in fast-pitch softball, which my dad taught, and loved school. She was athletic and had a steady boyfriend. She had a lot of friends and hung out with them on the weekend. She was a normal, all-American kid.
I was a brunette. I was fat and I hated sports. I didn't get along with kids at school, and so I ended up spending a lot of time alone, or with one friend, who also happened to be an outcast. My dad was busy with my sister, so my mom was busy with me. And I was constantly getting in trouble. Mom used to tell me, "You're not a bad kid, what you do is bad," but after hearing "no" and "don't do that" and "stop it" enough, it doesn't matter if they tell you it's you that's bad or if they tell you it's not your fault. You start to think it's you.
I had a lot of problems when I was kid. I was constantly angry. I didn't understand where any of it came from. Now that I'm older, I understand a lot more. I was jealous of my sister. I still am. She still gets my dad's attention, and I still have to fight for disappointment. Well, that's what my dad is, disappointment. She was pretty, where I wasn't. She was skinny, where I wasn't. It's still like that.
I also found out that I was harboring a lot of underlying currents of our family. There was tension between my mom and dad and my parents and my sister and me and my parents, but they could all act like it wasn't there. I was the one that picked up on this and acted it out. I found out later, during a psychology class, the second born usually does this. This is their place in the family. So all these years, I was acting out my sister and my mom and my dad, not me. I was acting out my parents fights and arguments, my mom wanting to leave, and my dad telling her it was just menopause. I was acting out my sister's fights with her friends and boyfriend.
But I wasn't acting out me.
I got to the point, at about the age of 10, that it started getting bad. I told my mom that I wish I'd never been born, and that I just wish I would die.
Then my parents got divorced.
Then the depression really kicked in.
Between my parents divorce and everything changing, and moving up to middle school, I was ready to crack. I hated life. Correction - I hated my life. Mom was depressed, and by then my sister had moved on to college. So it was just us: a depressed mom, and a depressed teen living in a shabby apartment downtown.
Thinking back on it, I still want to cry.
I'm not sure what pushed me over that edge. I don't remember much at all from that time. One day I was living unhappily with my mom in an apartment, the next I'm living in a new house with a happy mom. But I was still depressed. In fact, I'd slid right on down to suicidal.
In the eighth grade, I was called into the office one day. I thought it was because I was failing English class again. Turns out, my friend turned me in. They found a note in my backpack, something, that indicated I had a plan to kill myself. I did. I'd saved up over two months worth of Prozac and Zoloft. I was just waiting for a day. I wasn't sure how much I needed either, so I was working up my third month's collection.
I don't even remember the name of the friend that turned me in.
They wouldn't send me home alone that day. The next day, my mom and dad had to come in to talk to the councilor. My dad hadn't even been involved in my life. My dad didn't even know I had depression. I don't think he knew I was taking medicine for it. And all this came tumbling down around me. I was humiliated. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted them to find out about these feelings after it was too late. I didn't want to have to see their reactions.
Jump to the summer before freshman year. I had a boyfriend. My first serious one. We'd see each other every few days, courtesy of his older brother. We rushed things and told each other we loved each other. He wanted to have sex, so I did. I was 14. I lost my innocence on his bed watching South Park with his brother in the other room playing Resident Evil. I didn't even feel a thing.
We broke up. And the police got involved. Some threats had been placed, but it was nothing serious. It blew over.
Then I had another boyfriend. We weren't serious. We'd kissed, not even made out. We broke up. He told me the only reason he'd went out with me was because he felt sorry for me, and he didn't want me to kill myself. Now, he's one of my best friends. And whenever I hug him I still thing about those words that he told me.
Sophomore year, something happened. I was happy, for the most part.
And then it's now.
There's plenty I left out. I didn't talk about how I took Tae Kwon Do for three years. It ended because of an abusive instructor. I didn't talk about how my dad and I eventually got on speaking terms, even though we still don't get along. I didn't talk about all the other suicide attempts.
I know I've messed up in my life.
I had to have.
I'm not sure what I did. Something I did when I was little that I don't even remember now.
It sucks not being able to remember. Half the time I get images in my head and I don't know if they're memories or masochistic thoughts. I can sometimes get images of a middle-aged man on top of me, with me half naked and crying. I don't know if it's real.
And here I am now.
This summer, the summer before my junior year, I had another boyfriend. I fooled around with him, and then didn't hear from him until about a month and a half later. We'd both just assumed the relationship had ended between those times.
I felt so fucking used.
I still do.
Like a whore.
But that's ok. I've come to accept myself a bit more now. I still hate myself and wish I were dead, but I can stomach myself to a degree now. I've just accepted that I am easy, and I am fat, and I am unhappy, and it's not going to change. I've decided I can't conquer my demons, because I am my demons.
I can't say it's brought me much solace. At the same time though, I don't have panic attacks anymore.

Damnit
11:27 pm :: July 09, 2005

So I'm in the car... right after seeing Beauty and the Beast, this year's summer musical.

And out of nowhere, I'm hoping "I hope that car hits us."

"I hope it hits my door... and the car crumples like aluminum. Like used aluminum foil shoved over an old cake, pushed in the back corner of the counter because no one wants anymore."

But of course, it doesn't happen.

Crap.
4:18 pm :: July 09, 2005

4:50 PM - Fuck.
Current mood: cranky

I'm so feeling sorry for myself. I hate this so much.

Firstly, the past few days, I've had nothing but nightmares. I've torn the sheets off my bed every night because of them. Every night turns into a blood bath with mass murders, moth men, long gnarled fingers, rape, and torture. I don't know how to make it stop. And I'm getting paranoid. Last night I was up crying, because these images of all this... stuff... just wouldn't leave my head. I finally fell asleep then dreamt of it all night.

I feel like I'm socially inept, too. I can't ever find guys, because, face it, I'm not exactly Miss America, and then when I finally *do* find someone, after about a week or two, it's done and over. No one wants to be around me for too long. If I'm in a good mood, I'm too cuddly, and if I'm in a bad mood, I'm too moody and mean. Last time I just didn't hear from him in forever. I don't know what exactly I'm doing. Too clingy? Too moody? I don't know why I fucking care. I know I shouldn't. Just. don't. care. They don't matter. I should be the only one that matters. I should be my God, and I should worship myself and see myself as an idol. Instead I see myself as a peasant, begging for just a scrap of attention. And I hate it. I hate it so fucking much, and I don't know how to change it. I want to curl into myself and close my eyes and never wake up and never regret anything. I'm tired. I'm sick. I've worried myself and depressed myself into an actual physical illness. I'm starting to think I'm getting too far gone too again. I'm angry at everything for no reason. I don't know why. What happened to make my world that was so carefully made up of paper macrame come crushing down?

Ok, that's it. I'm done. No more complaining. People don't need to hear this shit, people don't want to hear this shit. Just. Keep it all inside. No one wants to listen.

Here's a poem by Chuck Palahniuk.

Product Improvements

"I'm always looking," says Miss America, "for what's NOT
to like."
Every time she looks in a mirror.

Miss America onstage, her blond hair coils and spirals,
billows and looms,
to make her face looks as small as possible.
One high heeled foot, placed just a little in front of the
other
to make her legs overlap
so her hips look more
narrow.
Standing sideways, she twists her shoulders
to face the audience head-on.
All this breathless contortion to make her waist look
itty-bitty.

Onstage, instead of a spotlight, a movie fragment:
Her face veiled with exercise videos.
Her features, her eyes and lips, made up with hot-pink
leotards and leg warmers.
Her Miss America skin jumps and dances with a crown of
women,
each of those women watching herself in a mirror.
The film: a shadow of a reflection of an image of an
illusion.

She says, "My every glance in a mirror, it's a secret market
survey,"
She's her own test audience.
Rating her curb appeal on a scale of one to ten.
Every day, beta-testing a new upgraded version of
herself-point-five.
Fine-tuning to follow market trends.

Her dress, swimsuit-tight, leotard-tight,
her pantyhose run with women pedaling bicycles, going
nowhere
at a thousand calories an hour.
"For the Talent portion of my program," she says, "I'll show
you how to unswallow."
A bellyful of peach ice cream,
a Halloween bag of miniature candy bars,
six frosted doughnuts,
two double cheeseburgers.
The usual stuff.
And sometimes, sperm.

Her face swimming and flickering with aerobic work, her
immediate ambition is
to diminish initial buyer resistance.
With a long-term goal of becoming someone's long-term
investment.
As a durable consumer good.

I Had a Fucked Up Dream the Other Night
2:13 am :: July 09, 2005

*copied&pasted from an aim convo, since I'm too lazy to retype*

i had a dream about mass murder the other night. like, my family lived in this fucking huge house and my mom sent me and my two (not real) brothers away when we were small and then for some reason, we all came back home. i knew my way around the house, but i stumbled on this room... it was my old playroom that i forgot i had. anyway, i went in the room, and there was this other door in there. so i opened the other door, and it lead to his giant room. like it was just this giant empty space in the middle, and in one corner there was an alcoholic bar, and a dinner table with bowls of fresh fruit laid out, and waay on the other side of the room (so far it looked kinda small) there was a bar with barstools and a kitchen and everything. and then there was a garage door against the back wall. and everything was covered in dust, even the fresh fruit. as soon as i walked in the room, this butler walked up to me, and we started talking. then my brothers came in and looked really freaked out and told me that i needed to leave, but i wouldn't. they left then and left the house all together. i reached over to the fruit and picked up an orange and split it open, and the inside was full of mold and worms and maggots. so i threw it down. then somehow or another, i realized that the butler was dead. but he was still animated and everything. then suddenly all these bodies.. like the whole floor was covered with them, appeared around me, and it was a complete blood bath. i ran out of the room through the garage door, and somehow i was in the living room. then the house collapsed on top of me. my mom was outside and saw it collapse on me and started screaming and digging me out and yelling "I won't let this happen again!" she dug me out and pushed me into her car and drove away, and she had all this blood on her hands. then i looked at her and she told me that both of my brothers were actually dead, and that she was too. we all died when i was little. that she'd killed everyone, including me, and that none of this really existed. oh, and it wasn't my *real* mom, it was the mom from Tool Time.

Yes.

I Dunno
11:21 pm :: July 07, 2005

----------------LAST PERSON WHO--------------
x. Slept in your bed: Other than me, Heather.
x. Saw you cry: Oh god, that's been a long time. Probably my mom.
x. Made you cry: Heather did, but it was happy tears.
x. You shared a drink with:Er, dun drunk?
x. You went to the movies with: Heather
x. You went to the mall with: Heather
x. Yelled at you: Ohh that's been a while... probably my mom or dad.
x. Sent you an email: Spam peoples.

-----------------HAVE YOU EVER---------------
x. Said "I Love You" and meant it?: Yes
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: I do a lot.
x. Been to California: No
x. Been to Hawaii: No
x. Been to Mexico: No
x. Been to China: No
x. Been to Canada: No
x. Danced naked: No
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?: Not something really crazy, but I've dreamt stuff and it came true the next day.
x. Wish you were the opposite sex: All the time, haha
x. Had an imaginary friend: Not that I can remember
x. Do you have a crush on someone: :x
x. What book are you reading now: Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk
x. Worst feeling in the world: Being abandoned
x. Future son's name: None?
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Every night <3
x. What's under your bed: Old dress up clothes
x. Favorite sport to watch: Softball.
x. Siblings: One sister
x. Location: USA
x. College plans: Beauty School
x. Piercings/tattoos: Two in each ear, but I'm letting the second holes close up and my right nostril.
x. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Meh.

------------------------EXTRA STUFF----------------------
x. Do you do drugs: No
x. Do you drink: No
x. Who is your best friend: Heather~
x. What are you most scared of: Being abandoned
x. Pet Peeves: Actually, I've recently discovered... people who *refuse* to read. Not that just that they can't find an interesting book, that they find it and still refuse to read it.
x. What clothes do you sleep in: Tank top and panties
x. Where do you want to get married: Never thought about it.
x. Who do you really hate: Er... my dad?
x. Been in Love: I'm not sure.
x. Do you drive: Dangerously
x. Do you have a job: Nope, I'm trying though
x. Do you like being around people: Depends on who it is.
x. Are you for world peace: Yes

-----------------------------STUFF---------------------
x. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: Yes
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: Yes
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Most of the guys I've ended up with have been tall, skinny guys with brown hair. Dorky, too.
x. Want someone you don't have right now: :x
x. Are you lonely right now: Not too bad
x. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: Currently, Celebrity Skin by Hole
x. Do you want to get married: I dunno
x. Do you want kids: No

-------------------------FAVORITE---------------------
x. Room in house: My room?
x. Type(s) of music: Heavy metal, alternative, I dunno, a lot.
x. Band(s): Otep, My Ruin, Jack off Jill, Nirvana, Alanis Morissette, too many.
x. Color: Hot pink
x. Perfume or cologne?: I dunno about for guys. My perfume is an Amy Brown perfume.
x. Month: January
x. Stone: Hemitite

--------------IN THE LAST WEEK, HAVE YOU---------------
x. Cried: Yeah. I was in pain (physically) and my whole body ached.
x. Bought something: Gas?
x. Gotten sick: -_- I got sick yesterday and I'm still sick.
x. Sang: I sing all the time.
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: Not really.
x. Met someone new: No
x. Missed someone: Yar. Heathah.
x. Hugged someone: Dinah, my stuffed koala.
x. Kissed someone: My kitty.

-----------• × •I N F O R M A T I O N • × •------------
Name: Lori
Single or taken: I'm not sure anymore.
Sex: Female
Birthday: January 12, 1989
Sign: Capricorn, baby <3
Hair color: Burgandy, currently.
Eye color: Blue
Height: 5'2"-5'3", around there.
Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Bisexual.

-----------• × • F A S H I O N | S T U F F • × •--------------
Where is your favourite place to shop for clothes: Lane Bryant <_< Oldnavy
Favorite designer?: Dunno
What is your sexiest outfit?: Nothing I own is sexy.
What is your most comfortable outfit?: Jeans and a tshirt.
What do you usually wear?: Jeans and a tshirt.

--------------• × • S P E C I F I C S • × • -------------------
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Er, I forget the brand. Smells like STRAWBERRIES.
What are you listening to right now: TV
Who is the last person that called you?: Brad
How many buddies are online right now?: 12
What would you change about yourself?: MY FAT GUT.

-------------• × • F A V O R I T E S • × •-----------------
Foods: Chocolate?
Girls names: Dinah, Alice
Boys names: I dunno.
Subjects in school: It was psychology, but I finished that class.
Animals: Kitties, Koalas, Pandas <3

---------------• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •-------------
Given anyone a bath?: No
Smoked?: Yes
Bungee jumped?: Nope
Made yourself throw up?: No
Skinny dipped?: No
Ever been in love?: I dunno
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No.
Pictured your crush naked?: Maybe
Actually seen your crush naked?: Maybe
Cried when someone died?: Yes
Lied: Yes
Fallen for your best friend?: Er, no.
Rejected someone?: I don't think so.
Used someone?: Yeah
Done something you regret?: Yes

-------------• × • C U R R E N T • × •---------------
Clothes: Tank top and panties
Music: None, Cartoon Network
Annoyance: My sore throat
Smell: Pretzels :3
Desktop picture: A globe + chess pieces
Cd in player: So Called Chaos, Alanis Morissette
DVD in player: Fight Club, as always.

----------------• × • L A S T | P E R S O N • × •----------------------
You touched: Mom. She handed me my sandwhich.
Hugged: Dinah. She's not a person. Oh well.
You IMed: Heather
You yelled at: I dunno, I do it all the time.
You kissed: Dinah

---------------• × • A R E | Y O U • × •---------------------
Understanding: I try to be.
Open-minded: Pretty openminded.
Arrogant: I try not to be.
Insecure: Very
Random: Not really.
Hungry: No, I just ate pretzels and marshmallows.
Smart: Not really.
Moody: Yes
Organized: Not in the least.
Healthy: Haha, no.
Shy: Depends on my mood.
Difficult: Yes
Bored easily: Yes
Obsessed: Kinda
Angry: Not currently.
Sad: Not currently.
Happy: Not currently
Hyper: No
Trusting: No

---------• × • W H O | D O | Y O U | W A N N A • × •--------
Kill?: Too many people.
Slap?: No one right now.
Get really wasted with?: Heather
Get high with: Heather
Talk to offline: Heather
Talk to online: Heather
Sex it up with: I dunno

------------------• × • R A N D O M • × •---------------------
In the morning I: Want more sleep.
All you need is: books.
Love is: A lie.
I dream about: Mass genocides.
Sexual preference: Bi
What do you notice first in the opposite sex you're into: Face.

---------------• × • W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R • × ---------------
Coke or Pepsi: (Diet) Coke.
Flowers or candy: The dead reproductive organs of a plant, or something to make me fat? Neither.
Tall or short: Taller than me... Which shouldn't be hard.

---------------• × • W H O • × • ---------------
Makes you laugh the most: Heather
Makes you smile: Heather
Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: I dunno.

--------------• × • D O | Y O U | E V E R • × •-----------------
Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: I have before. I kinda gave up on that.
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Yes
Wish you were younger: No
Cried because someone said something to you?: Yes

-----------------• × • N U M B E R • × •--------------
Of times I have had my heart broken: I'm not sure.
Of hearts I have broken: None
Of guys I've kissed: 7, only a handful were actually serious though.
Of girls I've kissed: 3, I think.
Of CD's I own: Over 200.
Of scars on my body: Not too many.
Of things that I regret: Too many

-----------------• × • T H E | E N D • × •--------------

The Alphabet
8:15 am :: July 07, 2005

A- Age of 1st kiss: 13 or 14.

B- Band you are listening to right now: Hole

C- 1st Crush: Marcus something.

D- Dad's name: Mike.

E- Easiest person to talk to: Heather

F- Favorite ice cream: Strawberry

G- Gummy worms or gummy bears? Worms >D

H- Hometown: :x In Indiana

I- Instruments: Guitar, a bit

J- Junior high: <_<

K- Kids: I hate kids.

L- Longest car ride ever: However long it takes to get from Indiana to Florida.

M- Mom's name: Lisa

N- Nicknames: Marc, L

O- One wish: To be happy.

P- Phobia[s]: Spiders, heights, being abandoned.

Q- Quote: I have a few quotes. I really like the one Ryan had though, "If your ears aren't ringing, the music's not loud enough." I like "Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." - Victor Hugo. Obviously, I'm a big fan of music :x

R- Reason to smile: Heather.

S- Song you sang last: Celebrity Skin, by Hole

T- Time you woke up today: 7 am

U- Unknown fact about me: Er, I'm not sure. I started playing on the computer at the age of 5 and moved up to the internet at 6?

W- Worst habit: Moping.

X- X-rays you've had: Too many.

Y- Your least favorite person as of right now? Tom Cruise.

Z- Zodiac sign: Capricorn

I'm not sure.
4:57 pm :: July 05, 2005

Greyscale dreams on
gaussian blurred backgrounds.
An overlay effect
everything's distorted.
Clear grey tears
slide down opaque cheeks
and kiss the edges of lips.
Chipped painted nails,
hot candle wax.
Hair fried and pulled into
a messy bun.
Daily advice from Dr. Phil.
Your philosophy
comes from the words of the dead.
Don't think for yourself
let the dead dictate.
Don't think for yourself
someone's already thought it.
Don't think for yourself...
it's so much easier.
Lay back.
Legs spread.
Be passive.
Quiet.
Shut up.
He'll take over
and lead you to nowhere.
Which isn't so different
from where you were heading
yourself.

I Am A Statistic
3:50 am :: July 04, 2005

(There's Gotta Be) More to Life
3:29 am :: July 04, 2005

by Stacie Orrico

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived...
I go up, I come down, & I'm emptier inside.
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing,
And why can't I let it go?

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high, to satisfy me.
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out, thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more...
Than wanting more.

I've got the time, & I'm wasting it slowly.
Here in this moment, I'm half way out the door.
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing.

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out, thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more...
Than wanting more.

I'm wanting more.
I'm always waiting on something other than this.
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed?

More Thing I've Done
3:23 am :: July 04, 2005

(x) Slept all night in a bed with a person of the same sex who wasnt a relative
(x) Slept for more than 12 hours
() Missed a week of school or more
(x) Put chapstick on more than 5 times in an hour
(x) kissed more than one person in a day.
() Eaten a worm.
(x) Jumped on a trampoline
() Ridden a unicycle
(x) Done something special for someone else
() Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant
() Paid more than $50 for food at a fast food restaurant
() Got caught for cheating recently
(x) Brushed your teeth while on the phone
() Worked in fast food
(x) Written a poem
() Randomly called people out of a phone book.
() Been on a yacht
() Put bananas in your cheerios
(x) Lied to a friend to make them feel better
(x) Dated someone more than 2 years older/younger than you.
(x) Eaten frosting out of the original container
(x) Had a dream about a myspace friend
(x) Fallen in public
() Had your pants rip.
(x) Recently had a PB&J sandwich
() Met your principals parents
() Killed an animal
() Been prescribed to 3 or more medications by a doctor
(x) Wished you were an only child
(x) Been ashamed of a decision you made
(x) Worked for a family member
(x) Been told you were too young
() Kissed a friend, then their best friend
(x) Been to a High School Dance
(x) Gotten away with a lie to your parents.
() Been dumped the night of a dance and left with out a date
() Gone out with a person one of your parents set you up with
(x) Hate to admit you are wrong.
(X) Ridden on a shopping cart at a store
() Break danced in a Mini Mart
() Went into a mini mart in socks
() Worn a tiara
(x) Been in a play
() Gone to church more than 4 times in a week
() Copied more than 30 CD's in a day
(x) Made a movie
(x) Dressed gothic
() Worn 5 or more layers of clothing
(x) Had a stalker
() Been to California
() Lived on a house boat
() Sat in a doctors office with a friend.
() Ran across 6 lanes of traffic
(x) Made fish lips
() Hit on a waitress/waiter
() Hit on a nurse
() Taken pictures with a stranger
(x) Stayed in a hotel room with 3 other school mates
() Made a public speech
() Been on cable television
() Put straws up your nose
() Choreographed a dance
(x) Felt used
(x) Made a smoothie or milkshake
() Had fun at work
(x) Watched Desperate Housewives
(x) Watched a movie so often you could quote every word.
() Listened to an old NSYNC or Backstreet Boys CD more than once in a day after they were popular
(x) Kept something from a past relationship (letters, poems, flowers ect..)
() Given someone else flowers
(x) Taken a foreign language class
(x) Gotten to school at 6:15 in the morning
(x) Gotten an A in a class but all you ever did was mess around

My Mood is Slipping
2:46 am :: July 04, 2005

I'm cramping, but it's not time for my period.

I'm tired, and I don't want to go to dad's tomorrow, but I finally had to give in. He's making lasagna. He always makes some sort of meat, and I don't like his grilling. He burns everything and makes it too dry.

My legs hurt from washing cars and walking around.

I spilled nail polish remover on the coffee table and it took off all the finish where it hit. Mom's just thrilled.

I'm almost outta gum... Urg. I'm gonna read some manga or something now. Actually, maybe I'll just read Haunted by Chuck. Yeah.

Like Woah
10:58 pm :: July 03, 2005

Ah, this past day was busy.

Yesterday Heather and I went out at around 2 and went out to eat (Chinese). Then we went to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith, which was awesome. I loved it, and the fact that Brad Pitt was in it just made it even better. Oh, and there was a Fight Club cameo! Which was great. Then we ended up driving around for *ever* and trucking all across the state and almost to Kentucky and everything. Then we went to I-Hop and got some funnel cakes. Next we came home and rented a movie that we never watched. We stayed up until like 6 just watching TV, hanging out, painting nails, talking, etc. Then we woke up today and my mom took us out to eat at Applebee's. We trucked to her grandparents house (since they're out of town) and washed our cars. Then we split up and I came home. We spent the majority of time just driving around. I loved it. We were on the interstate and I was screaming lyrics to dorky songs.

I went to fill up my tank today and it let me put $5.71 into my tank and then stopped filling. My car was almost on E. It's now about a quarter of a tank full, and I'm kinda worried. I dunno why it just kicked off like that. It wouldn't let me fill it up anymore either. It was weird. I'll try and fill it up again tomorrow.

My dad's been wanting me to come over lately, and I'm trying to think of every excuse I can to not go. He doesn't want anything to do with me unless it's convenient for him. He never asks what's convenient or good for me, and he'll go the whole school year and only see me like 5 times total, then expect me to come over every weekend during the summer. No. If he doesn't want me around during the school year, why is it different in the summer? The other day he told me I could come over anytime, but last time I did that, I got in trouble and we got into a huge fight. He told me he didn't care if we had a relationship any further. So I don't want to see him. He's out of my life pretty much and it's his fault. He was never there for me, favored my sister, and then told me, or at least I took it as he was telling me, that he doesn't care about me. So I shouldn't be the one that has to do all the work to get the relationship going again. And even if he is trying now, I know as soon as school starts again, I'll never see him. And I don't wanna have to deal with that. He gets my hopes up and then crushes them and leaves me in an even worse place. But my sister acts like I'm a horrible person because I don't want anything to do with him. That's easy for her to say, considering he's always favored her. My mom even admits he. He spent time with her, he did things with her, and with me, he never sees me. But I'm wrong. I hate family.

I'm gonna go. I want a bottle of water and a piece of cake.

Things I've Done
4:42 am :: July 02, 2005

(x) smoked a cigarette
() smoked a cigar
(x) made out with a member of the same sex
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
() been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
() snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
() been arrested
() made out with a stranger
() gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
() had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
() slept with a co-worker
() seen someone die
() had a crush on one of your myspace friends
() been to Canada
() been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
() thrown up in a bar
() set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten sushi
() been moshing/crowd surfing at a show
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
() had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
() used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat
() won a contest
(x) ran a red light
() been suspended from school
() been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
() eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned your heart
() been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
() been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
() played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
() sung karaoke
() paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
() made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
() caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
() been kissed under a mistletoe
() watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
() made a bonfire on the beach
() crashed a party
() gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
() humped a monkey
() worn pearls
() jumped off a bridge
() ate dog/cat food
() told a complete stranger you loved them
() kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a black dress
() had a dream that you married someone
() glued your hand to something
() got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
() kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
() done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
() didn't take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house/club house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
() believe in ghosts
(x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
() worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
() gone streaking
() played ding-dong-ditch
() played chicken
() been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
() been told you're hot by a complete stranger
() caught a fish then ate it
() caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
() mooned/flashed someone
() had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
() have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair

Today was Awesome
3:09 am :: July 02, 2005

Wai! Today was actually a good day. Very good, actually. Mom woke up me up at around 2 and I got ready, then she came home and picked me up. She needed a costume for work, so we stopped by GoodWill and found her one (she had to dress up as a cowgirl). Then we went to the mall to pick up a few accessories for it (like a hat). While there, mom surprised me and bought me a Build-A-Bear. I got a koala bear that I've been really wanting, and I named her Dinah <3

(click it to make it bigger)

I also have a bear that I named Alice. Is anyone catching the whole Alice in Wonderland theme here?

(click to make it bigger)

I want to make a White Rabbit B-A-B, but they don't currently have a white rabbit. I'll wait until they come out with one, and in the mean time, create different characters.

I'm such a loser.

Anyway, then we went out to eat and ate Mexican, at one of my favourite restaraunts. Then we went to the theatre and saw Bewitched.

I then came home and made a Nicaraguan Tres Leche cake. I love this thing. My old Spanish teacher introduced me to it. It'll be ready to eat by tomorrow, which is when my friend Heather is gonna come over, hang out, and probably spend the night.

I asked my mom if I could get back on some medicine again when we got caught back up on money. She never said one way or the other.

Oh, there's going to be a Beauty and the Beast play soon, and my mom's gonna take me to see it.

So yes, today was a very good day.

Important!
3:20 am :: July 01, 2005

The days are drawing nearer, so I beg everyone to please check out these two sites:

http://www.makepovertyhistory.org
http://one.org

Please check out these sites and show your support by at least signing their petition. Help end extreme poverty. By donating just a fraction of the countries funds we could make an extreme impact.

Please at least check the sites out and if you agree, please show your support by donating (if you can), or wearing white on the second and observing a moment of silence at 3 p.m.

Thank you very much! The days are drawing near!

So, it's July.
2:50 am :: July 01, 2005

I added a quiz page. I hate how anytime you have a quiz page, the html always gets fucked up.

Oh well. I'm gonna go to bed early tonight.